1. The first step is stepping out of denial. Don’t rationalise. Don’t justify. Don’t try to pin it down to your partner’s inadequacy or flaws. Because you signed up for it when you both got together. Accept that you are a low life vermin that has no concept of commitment.
2. Don’t say it happened accidentally. What, your tongue ‘accidentally’ slipped in someone’s mouth? You have to realise that you are just a little being governed by its Love Chemicals. No one hates on rabbits, you know? Work that tushy.
3. After stripping away yourself of all shame and guilt, step forth. Infamy awaits.
4. Sooner or later, you will get caught. An alien stench, a cute love bite dancing across your neck or perhaps your credit card records. Have some sense and pay in cash for all your illicit outings. Mask unknown fragrances with a routine smell. And the love bites can easily pass off as spider bites.
Harbour a colony of spiders in your home and pay them a visit every time your lover steps up the kink. Make sure the spiders aren’t venomous. Extract their body fluid and send it to forensics, just to make sure.
5. Give your lover codenames. Your partner is more likely to suspect “Honeybuns ❤” as opposed to Scumbag. Because that’s what you both are. No offence.
6. Don’t ride on new territories bareback. Which is an euphemism for ‘Don’t forget protection in the throes of passion’. It’s a known fact that gonorrhoea is borderline nasty. It makes one’s genitals smell as if a skunk crawled up there and died. And then there’s the P bomb.
Thank me later.